All of the Relief Society presidencies in the stake were invited to a special temple session this morning. I was able to attend. I haven't been to the temple in a while and it was a great excuse to go. I had a ride. They fed us lunch afterwards (Brown Baggers---YUMMY!). It was also going to give me a chance to work through some things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. While I know this blog (or any forum) isn't the place to share intimate spiritual details of my life, there were a few things that I thought I would share.
Let me start off by saying I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as a mother. For as long as I can remember that's all I ever wanted to do with my life. Now, as I am living my dream...it is feeling to me more like a crazy dream with too many ups and downs and I want to throw up. I don't want to say that I think my life is horrible. Are you kidding me? I know I have a great life. My husband is the best (you might think yours is, but I assure you, he's not). I have two gorgeous kids. One is the funniest kid you'll ever meet and the other is the most beautiful (believe it). We just bought the perfect house for us. We are leading a pretty charmed life. So, why am I so depressed?
There are some challenges. While Caleb hasn't been officially diagnosed with anything beyond language delays, we are pretty sure he falls somewhere under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I have a really hard time coping with this. Not so much the diagnosis...but there is a steep learning curve on how to deal with his behaviors and help him with his communication.
But, here's the bottom line. This morning I started crying like a baby because in my head all I could hear was "You're a good mom" over and over. People have said this to me before. Today I believed it for probably the first time.
I'm over myself. While I was wasting time feeling sorry about how much work it is for me to take care of Caleb and Eva and our family, I should have been focused on how grateful I am to have them and of all of the things I am doing right.
Some of my finer moments:
1. Getting Caleb the early intervention he needs.
2. Being just selfish enough to know that I need some "me" time every once in a while.
3. Using the time that Caleb is in pre-school to really bond and play with Eva.
4. I'm getting much more patient in dealing with Caleb's outbursts.
5. Praising the kids comes easily to me...so much so that Caleb mimics me by saying, "GOOD JOB, CALEB!!" whenever he does something he knows is good.
I'm a good mom. I'm not perfect. But, I'm good. I'm doing the best that I can---I finally realized that today. That's really all I could ever ask.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
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You ARE a good mom-I'm glad you know it too.
ReplyDeleteAll Moms just do the best they can. After you have done it for awhile you are less likely to criticize others that you may see struggling with their little ones teenagers or whatever the case may be. I find myself being really proud of the young mothers that struggle through Sacrament meeting.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Mom
I'm glad you realize what a great job you're doing. Motherhood is quite the rollercoaster, I agree. You're awesome!
ReplyDeleteCatherine